[Despite this not being about video games as a whole, what I am experiencing in this piece of self reflection could be something important for others to read as they tread through a space of insecurity. It’s okay. We are all human living in a time of uncertainty. It is okay to be anxious as I am.]
I have always found myself on the precipice of epiphanies. I’m always torn on subject matters because I tend to split myself onto multiple sides. Perhaps my biggest struggle that has been brought to light is the innermost feeling of unsatisfactory work. Besides that, it’s the struggle of coming to the realization that even though I am valued, I am still resting on the outskirts of the club. Even though I am along for the ride, I feel more like the wheel than a spoke, but I only feel like this as the reality could say otherwise.
Yes, you may have heard of me from my writing, which I do on a daily basis, albeit, not much of it makes it through the publication process. That is my own doing there. The unearthed thoughts that inspire me to continue to write non-stop drive me forward into positions that might make me unpopular in the grand scheme, no matter how respectful I can be. I’m not often asked to make special appearances or the like, and there is a part of me that wonders why. I am smart, capable, despite being callus at times. But I also can’t be ignorant towards the truth, I tend to like playing devil’s advocate, and not agreeing endlessly with others. I like to challenge my own thoughts, and I tend to push that onto others, and that is not seen as a popular character trait.
Feeling like a “literary nomad” continues to hit my psyke, but instead of wallowing, it makes me question my position. I know what my value is, and I know what skills I possess. The fact that I have the discipline to “google” things I don’t fully understand puts me leagues ahead of others. Admitting when I am wrong is equally important. So I ask myself, if I am not getting the constant praise of others, what do I do next? Does it even matter? Also, how can I do more? How can I push myself beyond what I am doing right now at this moment? Maybe it is a level of recognition that I need to obtain before anyone is willing to view me as their equal rather than whatever it is that they view me as. Either that, or I just have to accept that there are people who will not like me for whatever reason they can surmise. Jealousy is a spiteful hound that rests in all of us, myself damn well included.
Then I think about my goal, what do I want? Well, to be honest, I want to be recognized, respected. I want people to view me as a fountain of inspiration and a voice that beckons forth the voices of positivity within this community that I hold so dearly. How do I become that person? Better yet, is that a truly selfish endeavor? Should I be concerned with how others think of me now as I unleash this thought process into the abyss? I can only think that it shouldn’t matter, and that I shouldn’t concern myself with how everyone views me. I should at least make a valiant effort to act my best in case those who hold my future in their hands decide to not crush it.
I think about the people before me who I respect. Did they come across the same feelings of insecurity and borderline imposter syndrome? Does becoming a respectful person that others look up to become the subsequent byproduct or is that the realistic evolution of a critic? Do these people also have the same ideology behind their actions? Do they seek the same thing I do and just play the right cards to obtain it?
I don’t often hang on these concepts, but the current world has pushed me to ponder this, time after time. Just when I am finished with something, I am already thinking about the very next thing I can do that may help my position. But the cloud that hangs over me tells me that I am not as good as I can be. That I must keep on going and work until I am satisfied with what I do, but the dark truth is that I will never be satisfied with my own doing. I will always come to “that’s okay” but never obtain the moment where I am fully, unequivocally happy with what I did. There will always be room for improvement. I think of the cloud as JK Simmons in Whiplash, and I am the embodiment of every musical instrument strewn across the dimly lit classroom.
I understand that might be a maddening thought, and all it will do is establish the downfall of a man seeking perfection when it is not possible. It truly is a tale as old as time.
What this all comes down to isn’t necessarily “I’m no good enough” because that is not the case at all. I am a professional writer after all, and I didn’t achieve this status by sitting on my ass wishing. I worked for it. If I can get this, I can get the results I ultimately want. I just need to keep on trying and not let this dejected feeling continue to fester. I need to keep on discovering what it is that I can do with the time that I have, and never attempt to use myself as a bargaining chip. Most of all, I need to embrace patience, a virtue that my generation has yet to fully grasp.
In a world where everything is immediate, I am wondering why I (at my age) am not the editor-in-chief of a major press outlet. I wonder why I don’t have a home to call my own, with a view looking over the calm waters of the bay or a busy suburban street. I’m not even close, and what I am experiencing is simply the process in achieving that goal. It is something I need to tell myself constantly. I am not where I want to be, true, but I am so much further along than where I was yesterday.